I am weak and uninspiring. The distance between my dreams and reality feels like a chasm that cannot be bridged. I lie awake tormented by past failures and the gnawing feeling that my best years are behind me. Despite my best efforts, I have not learned to put away the childish things.

Do not be disturbed by my sober words. I have worked hard to get to this point. I am completely honest with myself about how I feel and I face the real reason for that feeling. I am learning to embrace my inner critic, its words of correction are a rod and staff leading me to eudaimonia.

It took some time for me to get to this point, I didn’t get here overnight. I fought. I fought long and hard against the trappings of ego and the fear of exploring the depths within. I fought, until something finally clicked. My resistance gave way once I realised that truth is a beautiful thing.

I also grew tired of the world that I created for myself. I found shelter in my excuses and I looked for power in my ever changing lies. These shaky foundations soon showed their true colours as the shelter became a prison and the lies my chains.

The icy chill of this prison made me numb. This detachment was my only answer to the chaos around me. The chaos crashed in from the heartbreak of toxic relationships and it overwhelmed through the curse of condemnation before birth. Under this darkness, naive declarations of an invincible summer were nothing more than a cruel joke.

My heart was becoming calloused as I felt the war of wills between me and the man I know I can be

“You’re making these calluses out of necessity, they protect against the pain of the present and the trauma of the past. But you must let suffering speak.”

“How do I let suffering speak? How do I stay sensitive, responsive to injustice without falling under the paralysis of despair or the poison of hate.”

In the midst of this conflict, I held onto the idea that if my thoughts and actions created, or at least contributed to this limiting reality, then through different thoughts and actions, I can create a new and empowering reality.

This idea took hold like never before.

With the focus of a runner striving for the finish line, I set my pursuit on an all-consuming and heroic goal.

I hardened my body to unlock the potential of my mind, this discipline made me free. I changed my world by changing what I let into my world - my eyes, ears and mouth became the tools of my transformation. I kept the fire burning by connecting with like-minded people. This community, with its brotherly competition, helped me understand the hostility creeping in from my shadow. I now see this hostility as fuel stoking the fire to burn with a tremendous flame.

This fire wakes me up with a determined focus. I am ablaze as I take on the day with an open and adventurous mind. I pursue my vocation with a playful yet diligent spirit, any anxiety soon turns to excitement as I look forward to favourable outcomes. I wholeheartedly believe in the likelihood of good things happening. I sleep with a deep sense of calm. I am untroubled and at peace as I orchestrate the delicate dance between order and chaos in my life.

I am learning to suffer well. Which is to say, I am learning to see the world as a playground and my challenges as opportunities to overcome, opportunities to feel myself fully in the world. I know there will be ups and downs, and life can often be unfair. Nevertheless, I choose to fight the good fight, and with this renewed mind, I am able to master my emotions and achieve my loftiest goals.

I am led to believe that life is a game of resistance and exploration. A friendly universe hides vast treasures within and around us. To us, they look like insignificant stones.

It then gently asks if we are willing and able to dig them out.

Image credit: Christina Deravedisian